A Sudden Light

Cerpen Karangan:
Kategori: Cerpen Bahasa Inggris
Lolos moderasi pada: 7 October 2017

There are no Tart and birthday song today. I decided to stay in my room for my birthday this moment. I woke up and sat in front of mirror, when I looked at my watch it was 8 AM. I took a candle then lit it, it is not to celebrate my birthday but to commemorate something. I just stared at the small bobbing fire, suddenly the tears fell down on my cheeks. I wanted to blow out the candles. The wind from window called me to the balcony, I took my book then opened the door, when I stepped out the soothing wind greeted me friendly. It seemed that it wanted to take me far away from here to my past.

Mom always says that I have to thank God, because I am alive. However, live is a hard part for me, I never think that life is a valuable thing right now. I leant on a couch reading my novel from my favourite author J.K Rowling, I have read her books over and over until the copies are ruined. It doesn’t mean book which I have only Harry Potter, I have many other books. I like reading, because it allows me to go wherever and whoever I want to escape my life for a while which is full of loneliness. I never go outside since two years, because I don’t want to be a subject to talk about. My mom who always worries about my condition, decided to move from Jakarta to this town since something happened. Therefore, she is my only friend now, I love her a lot, due to friends and boyfriend will come and go whenever they want, but mom is forever.

I am not either a college student or a worker. Two years ago I had a plan to study in one of famous universities in Jakarta and spent my spare time by working. I had got a scholarship majoring Fiction Writing, I had a lot of friends, but two weeks before my departure I cancelled it, I am afraid if they would feel uncomfortable when looked at me and I would be their object of talking.

It was 8.30 P.M. I fell asleep since afternoon when I looked at the window there was no mom’s car. She usually arrives home at 7 p.m. does she still look for my birthday gift? Anyway, my Mom always gives impressive presents, such as an iPad, and vouchers for book shopping, the way she gives is not directly. Two years ago I got an iPad from a Currier which had no sender’s name on it, last year I got an email from a stranger that gave me a code for shopping online in bookstore freely. And all of them were from Mom. I took my mobile phone there were 7 times missing calls from a strange number. I didn’t know that my mobile phone rang because I set silent on my phone. When I want to called it my phone rang, then I hang it. There is a man’s voice answered. I assumed that was not a present from my mom that always impresses me, because it was not impressive at all.

Some people say that they get this feeling in pit of their stomach when they have a premonition that something bad is about to happen, and it is happening on me now. My body feels weak, and my bones are no longer able to sustain my body so that I sit on the floor, I am crying hysterically. He said that Mom got an accident and died on the spot. My mom died on my birthday.

The burial ceremony had hold this morning, it was my first time to go outside since two years, but I used shawl to cover half of my face. I decided to use hoodie or shawl when I go out from my apartment later, because it helps me. All of her wealth had been given away to the people, she only gave this apartment to me which should not be on sold, and she didn’t leave any money for me to survive. So, I just count on my savings which all will over. Meanwhile, I don’t know how to earn money later.

I took my laptop to find a job, I browsed and checked one by one. There were so many jobs vacancy which made me interested in them, but it required at least a bachelor degree, on the other hand I never go to university. So, I applied as a shopkeeper in a second book store. Even though the wage is not too high at least it could earn money to survive later.

It was 7 A.M when I look at my wristwatch, but the streets were jammed, the sound of horn sounded everywhere, the shops on the road side were still closed. I couldn’t wait for my first day to work. The sun and the breeze in the morning accompanied my steps to the bus stop. Some people were busy with their activities while waiting for a bus. When a bus came everyone scramble to get on included me, when I wanted to get up there was someone pulled my bag so that I fell, my bag was stolen along with my savings my laptop and mobile phone.

I didn’t have any money, the valuable thing I have are only mom’s mobile phone and books which I didn’t want to sell. What I could do was cried, I go to mom’s bed room and laid on her bed, her smell and fingerprints are still left behind in this room, and I closed my eyes hopping to see and hear her voice to reduce this homesickness and this sadness.

In the midnight I went out from bedroom to roof of apartment. I sat on the roof looked down above street. I can’t help thinking about suicide. I think a lot about death. Particularly today, it has been a week without mom, and I don’t know the way to live. Does my life is still valuable for me if God took mom from me, separated me from dad, and gave this mark which made me far from people? If God who made me this way, is it OK if I blame him for what he gave and took. Lose your own mom… could you describe the word of lose? I can, Lose mom is like, absence of knocking on my room which came earlier than my alarm. Lose is lack of yelling my name from dining room, and told me to have breakfast. Lose is lack of my loyal audience to hear my complaining of this life.

Police had checked and replaced mom’s phone yesterday, they said that the cause of mom get an accident because she played phone. I checked her phone there were no inbox, outbox, incoming and out coming call, but when I see the gallery there was a video of her in a car, it took on March 23rd which is my birthday, it took one and a half hour before I got a news about her, then I played it.

Happy Birthday Kathrine, I don’t believe you are 20 now, you got older I’m getting older. I don’t know how many years again I will accompanied you, as a mother I just can pray for your best to face this life and hope you have a very nice life. Did you remember when we watched Finding Dorry together? Did you know what Dorry said? “When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming” you are alive, you are blessed by God,. No one ever live without feeling how regret is. Promise me you never stop swimming before you get your seashore even waves try to crush you there! Just keep swimming! I love you.

I closed my eyes and tears fell to my cheeks, the video made me miss her so bad, but unfortunately for me when I cried, there were footsteps moved swiftly, I exhaled quietly I didn’t want to look back, my eyes fixed to the silhouette who is standing, he is definitely man, he is kicking one of chair behind him repeatedly, over and over without awarding me, and then he sat and held his head in his hands. I thought he felt pain in his leg after kicking that chair, because that chair is made from iron.

“Do you want to kill yourself by jumping from this building?” he asked I looked around to find out who was person that he asked. However, there were one him and I, it made me feel uncomfortable to be on a rooftop in the middle of the night with a stranger now, I looked at back and stared at the guy a bit, and he is standing beside the chair now. His hands rested on his hips, when I didn’t answer his question he stepped closer and asked again.
“What’s your name?” “Kathrine”
“Will you please aside from there Kathrine?”
I glanced down at my legs then look back at him
“No thanks”
“Please aside, there are many empty chairs here, you can fall down and die” I stood and aside from the edge of the building
“So what’s the matter on that chair until make you so angry?” I asked
He didn’t answer my question, but ask
“why do you here?”
“I just need fresh air here, I don’t want to kill myself,” that’s a lie.
“Are you sure? Usually someone who is crying, alone on the high building will kill themselves by jumping”
I did not answer his question, when I looked at him he stared at me was different from the other it was like I don’t have this mark on my face. It was the first time a guy saw me like him.
“why the way you see me like that?
“What’s wrong with your face?” he asked with his sharp blue eyes full of curiosity
“Should I answer your question when you haven’t answered mine?”
“I’ll answer it after you” he
“It is because of accident”
“Could you tell me the story?”
“No” “Please” he begged

I was no sure to tell this story for a man that I never know before, I inhaled and started answering “Two years ago on 23rd March 2014, we went to a restaurant for celebrating my birthday. My dad fought with my mom in a car, I hate him so much, because he is a grumpy man. That day maybe he didn’t want to give full rein his anger to mom so he drove fast then everything went black, our car burn, so did my face. Finally, this mark display on my face. I guess, because of it he will change to be a patient father, but it made him worse by leaving my mom and I to married with another woman”
“So you want to kill yourself because of that mark?”
“Because my mom died a few days ago” oh God my answer
“I am sorry to hear that” he said guilty
“Your turn” I said slowly
“I kicked that chair because I am angry with myself who cannot safe my patience”
“Are you a doctor?” I interrupted
“Yeah, an Oncologist”
he is silent for a while then speak again
“in my experience with them I could take a lesson that live is a gift, live is a valuable thing for all, especially people who suffer cancer, because they paid as much as money so that they could get a word which is very precious “Live” They fought with cancer in order to live longer so that can reach their dream but their life for it is limit, their chances of winning is nothing. On the other hand, you… you want to end your life when many people scramble to get it”
“I know mom is part of our life. My mom also had died, and it caused of cancer. I broke in pieces, because I couldn’t help my own mom, but life is go on. Even though I couldn’t help my mother at least I can help the other moms by helping them to live longer than my mom. If you think you couldn’t live without her you have to think how she lived without your father, her other half that she loved gone with another woman. Just find a way to solve your difficulties. Sometimes we may feel hopeless, and there is nothing much we can do, but if you think about it carefully, I presume you will find a solution.”

My tears came on my cheeks, because I never think about what she felt when she had to support me and her life without a husband. I knew, even my dad is a grumpy man but she was still love him so much, because she never talk any ill and complained about him in front of me at all, when dad was angry and do something that hurt her, she always forgives him. It is like some people said that love forgives anything.

“What about my face” my voice weak
“The first impression is face but, if they see people from faces. It means their hearts are not beautiful” he said
“But sometimes some people fall in love with a face first and not what’s behind it” I said
“Everyone is loved because of their talent and works not because of their face, just expose your talent”

I was silent for a while and looked up at the sky, the light of the moon which is very bright enlightened this roof and my mind which never think clearly have to think over his words. If my mom said I have to keep swimming what actually I do right now is shrinking and resigning, but this guy remained me, that it was not the end, because there is still a float.
In addition, if what actually I do right now is to be a lover, it is the time where I have to allow myself to be loved by other people. If mom can live without her other half, I have to be like her that can live without my other soul, my mom.

Cerpen Karangan: Ellay Rahma
Facebook: elly.rahman12[-at-]ahoo.com

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